Weekend Writing Warriors is a blog hop. The
object is to write eight sentences from your writing, published or
unpublished, for the other participants to critique (as well as anyone
else who wants to comment of course). This is a snippet from my WIP, The Milk Carton Murders.
The Milk Carton Murders
(A brief synopsis of the story and previous excerpts can be found here.)
Up to this point, Dave, a small town news reporter, thought he was on a routine assignment about storm cleanup at Wiscoy Creek. No one expected three coffins to dislodge from the embankment. Dave recognizes the picture on a milk carton piece as a girl from his childhood when his mom & dad served as foster parents. Italics below is the "voice" Dave hears in his head.
***
Dave stood there, frozen in
memories. It couldn't be Sally. His father said she had been placed elsewhere
by the child services people.
That's what daddy Hal said, Davy. I wonder what the hell he really
meant by placed elsewhere, don't you?
No time now for inner psycho babble. Dave popped the memory card out of his camera and put in a new
one. If the sheriff wanted his pictures, he could have them, but he wasn’t
getting everything. Dave wanted some close-ups of Sally―if it was Sally.
Poising to steady himself, he snapped the shutter.
***
This is wonderful, HS! I love the voices in his head--the dialogue is great info for the reader without feeling like they are being fed info. Well done :-)
ReplyDeleteThe story premise is good! I'll be back for more. :-)
Thanks Teresa. :) Weekend Writing Warriors is good for me. Puts some fun into the editing phase.
ReplyDeleteNice cadence and rhythm to this piece. I agree with Teresa, I love the inner voices -- sounds like me. LOL
ReplyDeleteLoved the things he was saying to himself. Great way to do that. Awesome snippet. :-)
ReplyDeleteOoh, I am totally hooked now. Wow, this really packs a punch. Terrific excerpt, need more!
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing. The "voice" in his head is a lovely way of showing his doubts and hinting at something dark in his childhood.
ReplyDeleteI'd kind of like to know what "placed elsewhere" means, too!
ReplyDeleteNice, intriguing snippet!
I like how Dave is proactive and emotionally invested in learning more about Sally's disappearance. Great hook!
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line is "frozen in memories"
ReplyDeleteThat's really clever.. Awesome..
ReplyDeleteOh I say! Lots going on here. Love it!
ReplyDeleteSo much personality in this! Really pulls you into the mystery too. Great snippet!
ReplyDelete~Joyce Scarbrough
Great snippet. A bit scary but you certainly got my attention.
ReplyDeleteOoh! That's creepy. 'Placed elsewhere' hmm, I do wonder. Very nicely done. Cannot wait to read more from this.
ReplyDeleteThis is chilling. I can just imagine the awful feeling of looking into that coffin. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWhat a twist! I hope it's not Sally.
ReplyDeleteI hope it's not Sally. What a horrible moment.
ReplyDelete"frozen in memories"
ReplyDeleteGreat phrase!
Something about your voice made this snippet feel dark and angsty, which I love, love, love!
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWell, I feel dumb, the comment section never said my message was posted, so I kept repeating myself because I thought it hadn't gone through, please ignore the embarassing amount of posts. *vbg*
ReplyDeleteWow went out to go shopping and came back to all this great feedback. Thanks all of you. I need to finish up reading now that I'm home. :)
ReplyDeleteNot to worry Marie, I've had that happen before. I'm pretty sure I can get rid of them.
Wow! Love the words, love your voice, and LOVE the premise!
ReplyDeleteGreat tension! I can't wait to read more!!
ReplyDelete"No time for psycbo babble" - great characterization, really gives me a sense of his personality!
ReplyDeleteIntriguing six. I like his inner thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI love the premise of this story. Great eight!
ReplyDeleteLove the premise, and your snippet definitely got my attention!
ReplyDeleteWOW, talk about foreshadowing, can't WAIT to see where this goes, great 8!
ReplyDelete"Placed elsewhere" sounds ominous. Probably in part because I just watched a movie where a murderer said her victim had gone on vacation "down under" :)
ReplyDeleteI like this! Mysteries don't always grab me but the voice make this guy different. I'm intrigued by somebody who hears some sort of voice but isn't freaked out by it anymore.
ReplyDeleteDo you mind if I make a suggestion? "poising to steady himself" seems a tad awkward to me. Maybe just say "he steadied himself"? Don't mean to step on toes.
I'll definitely be back for more :)
Thanks everyone for your comments and taking time to read my snippet.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thank you owllady, no crushed toes here.:) I appreciate your suggestion. I though it was a bit awkward too just didn't know how I wanted to word it. In the whole scene he is down by the creek bed, not on a flat surface so I was trying to convey him trying to balance and take a picture without telling it. He steadied himself sounds much better. Thanks for the input.
I'm intrigued. I liked how this flowed. I will have to go back and read the previous excerpts.
ReplyDeleteI love the way you have connected past with present and between them a mystery has developed. I just check back again. Is this the first coffin opened? I wonder what the other two contain?
ReplyDeleteIt's the third coffin opened, they all contain remains of children. Almost time to post snippet 3!
ReplyDelete